Dear Dorna, Suggested Mapping 1 - the case for JL99’s TT application | Blog

Dear Dorna Lorenzo Suggested Mapping 1


Dear Dorna,

Hope you don’t mind us mentioning this but we patrons of the Camchain and Crayfish in Taffulia are a little worried about that MotoGP’s current crop of riders are turning into stroppy, juvenile whingers. Every race weekend we hear them whining about how their bikes aren’t good enough, everyone else’s is better and the tyres are rubbish too. Really, these guys don’t know they are born. Anyone complaining about Honda/Yamaha/Suzuki’ etc’s latest handbuilt one-off missiles on Michelin’s finest, stickiest rubber should come down to the East Kilarney Motorcycle Club on a Wednesday evening and try riding Bazza Rabin’s café-racer’d Kawasaki GPZ1000RX, still wearing a set of period-late-80s Michelin A59/M59 radials. That’d shut them up.

That nice Mr Lorenzo seems to be the one struggling the most. It appears to us that, with the increasing complexity of MotoGP machinery, poor old Jorge is struggling to understand the switchgear and interfaces.

At the end of last season there was that silly misunderstanding when his team were asking him to switch his motorcycle to mapping 8 and, clearly, the poor guy had no idea how to do it. We can understand this. Eric from Taffulia Taxis and Taxidermic services suggested that the move from Yamaha-style switchgear which generally has fewer functions and is simple-to-use, to Ducati’s multi-menu system might have confused him. It certainly confused Eric when he swapped his MT-09 for Ducati’s ‘El-Diva’, as he calls his Diavel.

So, if Jorge is struggling with switching mapping settings that would certainly explain his performance in Argentina the other week where, on a drying track his bike seemed to be stuck on the wet setting that softens throttle response and suspension settings and probably restricts the power too.

Mrs Howe from the florist was convinced she saw a board hanging over the pit wall saying ‘Suggested mapping 1’ but it might well have been one of the Yamaha crew holding it out in an ironic fashion to take the piddle out of poor Jorge.

Anyhow, in among all this thinking we had an even better idea to solve Lorenzo and everybody else’s woes. Why not run MotoGP like the old Yamaha Pro-Am series of the early 1980s? Basically, all the manufacturers turn up with their bikes and the riders (who, under this system are no longer contracted to a particular team) pull the keys out of a helmet each weekend to determine which bike they will be riding. So, one week we might see Rossi on a Ducati, Marquez on a Yamaha and Jorge on a Suzuki and the next round it’d be Vale on the Suzuki, Marc on the Ducati and Jorge on the Honda.

All the manufacturers would have a chance of getting the best riders on their bike and the spectators would get a chance to see which riders were really the quickest whatever they were riding.

Everyone in the Taffulia tap room loved this idea, but by the time we’d had another round or two, someone – I can’t remember who – had an even better idea. We think Mr Jorge’s riding style, undoubted talent and ability to set his fastest laps on his own would make him perfect for the Isle of Man TT races. This year is the 40th anniversary of Mike Hailwood’s legendary comeback… on a Ducati and no bike from Bologna has won the big class since.

So the timing is perfect. And, this year Ducati also has a new V4 road bike to promote meaning Jorge should feel right at home.  

As far as we can see there are eight good reasons for doing it

  1. The Hailwood anniversary
  2. The new V4 Panigale, which, being a street bike should easily be eligible
  3. With McGuiness, Anstey and possibly a few others out injured this year, the competition is weak and there’s room on the grid for a big name or two, which the organisers will be glad of.
  4. Valentino is too chicken to do the IoM properly so Jorge can become MotoGP’s IoM GOAT. The 80mph lap Vale recorded in 2009 would have only been good enough to win in 1938 and JL99 can easily beat that even on suggested mapping 11.
  5. Jorge’s lone-wolf riding style is perfectly suited to the TT format. So long as he can go off first and avoid having to overtake anybody, he will almost certainly set the fastest lap of all time.
  6. That would give him the perfect excuse to ditch his unlucky ‘99’ number, which is where he seems to be finishing these days and wear the number ‘1’ made to look like ‘JL’ again with pride
  7. His smooth, conservative style was made for road racing
  8. He’s easy to wind up, meaning it should be relatively easy to persuade him to do it. Use the Valentino card and the fact that the current lap record is held by a buxom Northern Irishman, who took it from a cuddly Englishman. Which means for a legendary, lithe, Spartan athlete like himself a 150mph lap should be straightforward.

As part of the transfer deal between the TT and MotoGP you would need to take someone from the TT field to make up the numbers in MotoGP. Our suggestion would be Michael Dunlop. Mostly because he’s one of the lads and a long time supporter of our local chip shop and garden centre, but also because he won’t care which set of keys he draws from the hat and he’ll go as fast on mapping 25 as he does on mapping 1.

See you at Ginger hall for a pie and a pint Carmello? 

Illustration: KarDesign Ltd.



Who is Alvin O’Tosserin?

A former road racer living in the hamlet of Taffulia, near Kilarney. Alvin came to prominence in the early 70s racing a homebuilt ‘Duocoque’ chassis (a forerunner of Yamaha’s Delatabox twin spar frame) housing a tuned Yamaha XS-1 engine on the Irish road racing circuit. His career sadly ended in 1973, following an unsightly incident, after seeing Peter Williams’ innovative monocoque in the pits at Mallory Park. O’Tosserin was banned from all mainland circuits, but not before introducing UK riders to the words ‘wedgie’ and ‘rebound damping’.

Alvin went to America where he continued to innovate – replacing the telescopic forks on his race bike with upside-down girder spoons. The resulting incident at Daytona sadly saw him drummed out of US racing too. To add insult to injury Alvin was bitten by a racoon and the resulting rabies shots permanently affected his sense of balance, meaning he could never ride a motorcycle again.

Thankfully, his foresight in patenting the idea of a re-usable firework brought Alvin a steady income when the idea was secretly bought out by the US military. This trust fund allows him to follow the Moto GP and WSB paddocks around the world. BikeSocial is honoured to have him writing for us.