Blog: Dear Dorna, this is how you make the Winter Olympics interesting

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By Alvin O'Tosserin

Alvin raced a homebuilt ‘Duocoque’ chassis’d Yamaha XS-1 in Ireland in the early 70s. His career ended in 1973, following an incident, involving a ‘wedgie’ and a Norton monocoque.

Banished to America, Alvin replaced the telescopic forks on his race bike with upside-down girder spoons. Sadly, the rabies shots after being bitten by a racoon affected his balance and he could never ride again.

Marc Marquez

Winter Moto-lympics

 

Dear Dorna,

 

When I accidentally tuned into the Winter Olympics this week not only did I see Mr Matt Roberts, a former employee of yours doing some tele presenting but it dawned on me that the whole travesty of a collection of so-called sports could be so much better with a motorcycling element. And I think you could help.

I’ll admit that some of it is really exciting, but come on Carmelo, is Curling really a sport? I mean it’s just pushing an 18kg stone in a straight line with minimal effort while someone else does a bit of housework in front. My old dad – a multiple champion in ferret-agility training – used to say ‘It can’t be a sport if you don’t sweat.’ See snooker, darts or even fishing as other examples.

Apparently, one of the Russian curling competitors was stripped of his bronze medal because of doping. Seriously, performance-enhancing drug use for pushing a stone along some ice? What was it, Lemsip?

That said, Ski Cross is brilliant and, even though I’d not even heard of it until today, it’s as gripping as the first lap of a World Superbike race (until J. Rea disappears into the distance). And this is where you come in. For the two-wheeled racing lovers among us I reckon the solution to spicing up the whole Winter Olympics charade would be to introduce the MotoGP grid. In the colours of their homeland competing in a series of disciplines using two-wheels that are still representative of these professed winter ‘sports’.

When the flag drops on the final test day at Valencia in October instead of us race fans heading to twitter with our calculations of how many days there are until the first race of next season, we can look forward to some serious competition instead. And it doesn’t need to take place every four years. We might as well have three practice, yet also competitive, years before each Winter Olympics…or Winter Moto-lympics as it can now be called:

 

  • Imagine Rossi and Dovizioso in the blue of Italy competing in the Biathlon on a Super Tenere and a Multistrada with rifles in their backpacks. Smashing their way along the snowy trails of South Korea before popping a lead shot at an effigy of Senor Marquez.

     

  • Marquez and Vinales for Spain doing Short Track ice-racing on a CRF250 and YZ250F with nails through the tyres, a la Snowquake. The 154-times World Champ has already wheelied up an Austrian ski slope on an RC213V last year so he’s bound to be at MotoG-ski fan. Sorry.

     

  • Team GB’s crack team of sliders would include Crutchlow on a Skeleton-Honda (they make everything else) with Redding on the Aprili-luge and Sam Lowes on the Triumph (Moto2) Bobber-sleigh. Between Lowes and Crutchlow thy’d win any event that involves sliding.

     

  • Australia will have to be represented by Jack Miller in the Ducat-Ski Jump, Eddie-the-Eagle style, while Lorenzo can compete in the downhill, to match his career. Too harsh?

If the South Koreans or even the Dubai shopping malls can import snow then I’m sure the Spain can be an ideal host for the inaugural event. Our local B&Q can do you a good deal on fake snow at this time of year.

What do you say?

 

Ciao for now,

ALVIN O'TOSSERIN

Taffulia, Ireland

 

 

MotoGP Ski Jump
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Who is Alvin O’Tosserin?

A former road racer living in the hamlet of Taffulia, near Kilarney. Alvin came to prominence in the early 70s racing a homebuilt ‘Duocoque’ chassis (a forerunner of Yamaha’s Delatabox twin spar frame) housing a tuned Yamaha XS-1 engine on the Irish road racing circuit. His career sadly ended in 1973, following an unsightly incident, after seeing Peter Williams’ innovative monocoque in the pits at Mallory Park. O’Tosserin was banned from all mainland circuits, but not before introducing UK riders to the words ‘wedgie’ and ‘rebound damping’.

Alvin went to America where he continued to innovate – replacing the telescopic forks on his race bike with upside-down girder spoons. The resulting incident at Daytona sadly saw him drummed out of US racing too. To add insult to injury Alvin was bitten by a racoon and the resulting rabies shots permanently affected his sense of balance, meaning he could never ride a motorcycle again.

Thankfully, his foresight in patenting the idea of a re-usable firework brought Alvin a steady income when the idea was secretly bought out by the US military. This trust fund allows him to follow the Moto GP and WSB paddocks around the world. BikeSocial is honoured to have him writing for us.

 

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